Tuesday, September 10, 2002

The Democratic Circus (Elevated from One Ring to Three...)
So I developed a matrix to grade the various candidates and assist me in my vote. I graded the candidates on important elements. Did they offer free "get-out-the-vote" barbecues so I didn't have to make my own dinner? Were their attack ads well produced? Was the background music of these ads sinister enough? How grainy, unflattering, and grotesque was the photo of their opponent that they used? Did the captions underneath the photo scream out as strongly as possible such alarming phrases as Tax & Spender! "....associated with Enron!" or defender of the Corporate Crooks and the Special Interests? Were character witnesses used to relay personal stories revealing proof of the opponent's sexual bias, moral failings, or straightforward nefariousness? How about the usage of prerecorded messages, phoned in at all hours of the day and evening. Was the dinnertime hour thoroughly carpet-bombed enough with these important calls? How personal did the prerecorded voices sound? Did they convey enough warmth for me to listen to the 20 minute spiel regarding the candidates "real record of reform?"

So I plugged in all these variables, criteria, and parameters and hit the "tabulate" button on my trusty Commodore 64 - specially built for this purpose. The dot-matrix printer buzzed, whirred, and whirligigged around as it printed the calculated result. The most trustful entity in NH. The visage firmly entrenched in the bedrock of this state. The one who stands above the hills and valleys of the greater landscape. No better vote could be cast than for this icon of NH values. Yep, you guessed it. A series of granite ledges and outcroppings increasingly held together by rebar, cement, and iron cables. The venerable Great Stone Face.


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