Portsmouth, I Hardly Knew Ye
I imagine the graves in the cemeteries near Strawberry Banke opening up and all the restless souls of a bygone colonial era rising up out of the earth to come and reclaim their once proud city. Portsmouth has begun to sink into a depressing miasma of cultural kitsch one would behold if they mixed equal measures of the E! Network and a Cucumber Body Scrub from Bath & Body. One stroll along Market Street and it's impossible not to be violated by all the touchy-feeliness. Herbal stores, bonsai trees, flamboyantly colored pieces of blown glass. And now, an OXYGEN BAR. Yep, it's as if Woody Harrelson has been named honorary member of the Portsmouth Planning Board. Come on in. Don't be shy. Sit down and relax as we pump you full of pure oxygen distilled from the fresh atmospheres of Nanuvut. But what in the hell makes these places attractive in the first place? What is so possibly entertaining about sitting in a hammock or a Craftmatic bed and then getting strapped up to a tank of gas by some dude wearing a black turtleneck? Do colored lights, avant-garde pieces of artwork, whalesong soundtrack, and wafts of purified air really build towards a pleasurable experience? You know, there's already an "oxygen bar" in Portsmouth and it's called Prescott Park. There you can get all the fresh air and relaxation to your heart's content and best of all it's Free! No door cover charge. No credit cards required. Sit back, relax, breath deeply, and look around at the nature around you. It's there for you anytime. Just one warning though. Don't be surprised if you see some once-buried corpses walking around, looking to reclaim their city from the soulless cadavers currently setting up shops, restaurants, and oxygen bars. It will be like a Thriller video.....