Tuesday, December 30, 2003

The Year of Living Dangerously
Here are my predictions for 2004:

-Dean says in a Sunday morning interview that "Al-Queda" is Arabic for Halliburton.
-Kerry, Kucinich, Sharpton, Edwards, Clark, Liebermann, Gephardt, and Mosley-Braun all combine to create a Voltron-like super candidate to try and defeat Dean before the NH Primary. The Kucinich piece is responsible for forming the head of this super candidate.
-Voting irregularities in the NH Primary make way for a Kucinich victory. After the election, Gov. Benson mandates that all individual paper ballots be replaced with tablet PCs.
-Dean, aiming to reclaim the advantage, says in South Carolina that he won't run on Guns, God, and Gays but will talk about a gun wielding gay god.
-Halliburton spins off Iraq in an Initial Public Offering. Iraq shares close at $2 the first day of trading.
-Dean, driving his Ben & Jerry's sponsored Chevy, cruises past Dale Jr in the final lap to win at Darlington and takes over as overall NASCAR points leader. His popularity in the South remains low.
-Wildfires consume the Neverland Ranch. The whereabouts of Michael Jackson is unknown.
-In the first flight since the Columbia disaster, Bush pilots the Space Shuttle Atlantis into orbit where he successfully deploys a giant Mission Accomplished sign visible to all on the Earth's surface. Bush then lands the Shuttle at Baghdad International Airport, delivering turkey to the troops. Democrat Nominee Kucinich ridicules the photo op at the Democratic National Convention.
-A surge in shark attacks dominate the summer news headlines. Kucinich blames Halliburton.
-Rush Limbaugh retires as host of his popular radio show in order to take on a full time gig as the spokesman for the pharmaceutical industry. His compensation is made up entirely of pills.
-Dean announces a third party challenge. His running mate is a Bush voodoo doll which he sticks repeatedly.
-Five days before the election, Kucinich reveals that he has captured Osama Bin Laden in a raid he organized using private mercenary forces, made up mostly of ex-French Foreign Legion. Poll numbers show Kucinich ahead of Bush and Dean. Shares of Halliburton tumble.
-Three days before the election, Dean reveals that he has uncovered Saddam's storehouses of WMD by a deft use of a helicopter, a GPS unit, and 2 minute search of the Geocaching website. Dean moves ahead of Bush and Kucinich in the polls.
-On the eve of the 2004 Presidential Election, Bush reveals that he has captured Michael Jackson and a dossier of incriminating evidence that was in Jacko's possession. Attorney Mark Geragos moves to plea bargain. Bush surges ahead of Dean and Kucinich.
-In a bizarre election night, Kucinich wins the popular vote but loses the election to Bush when late night recount results in Vermont swing the electoral college advantage away from Dean. Kucinich and Dean both challenge the result.
-The Supreme Court rules that due to criticism of how it handled the 2000 election, it has granted jurisdiction to settle the matter to the Halliburton Board of Directors. After a closed door session, with Cheney in attendance, the Board of Directors affirms that Bush is the election victor.
-Dick Clark, as always, ushers out 2004 in Times Square.


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