Saturday, February 02, 2008

L19. Gypsum Board With Cashews

Mrs. Rants and I got Chinese takeout on Friday. On Saturday afternoon I helped myself to the leftovers. A few bites into the cashew chicken I noticed my teeth grinding through a strange chaulky gritty texture. I spit out some chunks into the sink and combed through the subgum like a CSI investigator. Embedded within the bean sprouts and water chestnuts was a few shards of some kind of mineral conglomerate. Mmmm tasty.

My wife said that the place downtown from which she picked up the takeout was going through some kind of building renovation. This made sense now. I can picture some waitor heading towards the kitchen with some drywall residue sticking to his shirt; falling into the pot of boiling oyster sauce during the course of his travels.

I called up the place, an unlucky hovel of chicken grease and faded tiki. They told me to come on in and bring in the offending matter for identification. I stored the few concrete rocks that I had in a ziplock baggie - like it was my last few bits of crack cocaine. I brought it to the restuarant and proceeded to show them what they served up to me for my culinary delight. I didn't rub their face into it. By my reckoning it was an honest mistake, though a part of me was waiting for my body to break out into hives. The owner told me some song and dance that the matter must have come from the can of cashews. He proceeded to show me the big can of nuts that they use, fingering through the nuts combing for treasure. Yes, of course, it must have been the can of cashews that was responsible. Never mind the sheets of drywall and building material hanging around the dining room.

They were going to give me another take out box of cashew chicken right then and there. I told them I'd take a rain check on the takeout. It was like three in the afternoon. What were they thinking? My plan is to call in sometime and order maybe $40 worth of stuff and then go in to pick it up and say, "Hey remember me? They guy you fed wainscotting to? I'll be taking this meal for free, thank you very much." We'll see. I'm not so sure I want to go back to that place again.

I walked out of there, but after a few steps I turned around and went back in there. I realized the owner and not given me back my little baggie of evidence. I asked him to give back the bag but his wife said she threw it away. I told her to get it from the garbage and she said she didn't know where it was. The owner asked me if I wanted just the baggie bag, or also the contents inside. I told him everything and he said that it was impossible, that the rocks were his property and could not be returned. God, you'd think after an ongoing span of tainted dog food and poisoned children's toys that the Chinese restaurant would want to make good. But clearly there was no way I was going to get back any incriminiating evidence. That was stupid on my part. I should of just told him that I'd like to keep one rock with me, just in case I wind up in the hospital and need them to test for what the hell it was that I ate.

I waited until night to see what illnesses or fevers would emerge from my body. I still have no idea what I ate. Maybe it was like a freaking MSG bullion cube that was left undissolved. Who knows. Anyways, I recommend to all Doverites that they should stay far away from the place downtown formerly known as the Lucky Garden. Who knows what else will turn up in the food.

3 Comments:

At 10:51 AM, Blogger Kreblog said...

You sure it wasn't ground pallet?

Seriously, you should put a review up on http://yelp.com... those reviews turn up when people do Google searches for restaurant phone numbers.

http://local.yahoo.com is pretty popular too.

 
At 2:32 PM, Blogger Leigh said...

I would also, if it were me, call the health inspector and let them know what happened to you. You'll be keeping someone else safe from harm too. We really have a crap selection for chinese food in Dover. It all pretty much sucks. In our experience, hands down, the best chinese in the seacoast area is Kim Lai in Portsmouth (Bowl-a-rama plaza). Their rice actually has flavor and it tastes like it was made fresh.

 
At 8:16 PM, Blogger Ballard Greener said...

I remember heading down to philly one weekend to stay at the lovely four seasons. For any of you who havn't heard this is second home to rich and famous at about $400 per night. After a long day we had room service at about 2 am. I ordered french onion soup. The soup was deliciou until I started picking something out of my mouth that didn't belong. I never said anything, just stopped eating. To this day I don't know what the hell it was. Years later I actually worked for the four seaons (different local). When I saw what it took to clean a kitchen and serve 24 hr room service at the same time it came quite clear to me what had happened. Something fell in the soup sitting in steam table. To think that I probably ate soup that was contaminated from remnants of cleaning slop to this day makes me nauseated. Take a look at the show kitchen nightmares. Trust it's real. I worked as a chef/cook and have seen some bad stuff...food on floor served etc....

 

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