From Suck to Blow
Not too far from home, ensconced in one of those cookie cutter low budget strip malls that all too often house pet supply stores, nail salons, dry cleaning services, and diet analysis centers resides the most unfathomable of cottage industries - a vacuum cleaner hospital.

I have no idea how in the world such a business manages to stay afloat. Are vacuum cleaners that prone to illness that they require their own specialized care? I wonder if there is one doctor who performs an entire diagnosis, or if there are specialists focused on specific areas of the vacuum cleaner; a mobility specialist who identifies problems with the wheels, axles, and swivel joints; someone else to check the vacuum bag and hoses for signs of clogs, emphysemic-like conditions, and inhalation difficulties; A circulatory engineer who inspects for frayed wires and burned out motors.

Does each stage of inspection require a referral, and if so are there additional co-pays? Is there a multi-tiered service fee schedule where different pricing is levied depending on the patient brand and its manufacturing history - in & out jobs for Dirt Devils and Hoovers, but overnight stays for the Kirby? Is there a drive-thru service for DustBusters? What happens if you have a Dyson? Is such an advanced level of care required for this machine that one must travel to the Regional Vacuum Hospital to consult with the necessary trained specialists?

What about prescriptions for accessory items? Is the HEPA dirtbag considered a non-formulary brand? Nylon belts the generic alternative to rubber? Are light bulbs for the headlamp covered? Is one forced to obtain accessory items from major retail in-network providers, or can one shop online from off-price Canadian etailers?

The existence of the vacuum hospital begs many questions. I suppose that if one wishes to avoid having to visit such an institution, one has to make lifestyle changes both preventative and prophylactic - choose wood flooring over carpeting; apply protective plastic slipcovers over furniture; purify the air free of dust and dander through daily use of an Ionic Breeze.


.....okay, enough, I'll stop.