Saturday, February 25, 2006

A Moment of Decision
Do you think there's some dude out there right now thinking twice about putting his Image of Mohammad French Toast up on eBay?

Saturday, February 18, 2006

Tunes on My Imaginary iPod
I had beers with a friend this past week and he was actually ticked off at the music I listen to - I was naming bands left and right and he had never heard of any of them. He was relieved to hear that I listen to Radiohead but for all the other names I listed it was pure frustration - like waking up in the middle of the night finding both your arms asleep and feeling like someone stitched two sandbags of useless deadweight to your body. The offending bands included:

Explosions in the Sky

Bullet the Old Guy
Mrs. Rants made the keen observation that she now understands what it's like to be a Muslim whipped into a frenzy over a cartoon. The big media imams tried everything possible to have us go berserk over Cheney's behavior. What did they want us to do, go torch a KFC?

Sunday, February 05, 2006

Ironman with an Aluminum Can
Flicking through the channels on a Saturday night, I happened to catch an amazing documentary on Spike TV: The Outdoorsmen: Blood, Sweat, and Beers. Its about an annual event that takes place in Washington state; basically a bunch of guys get together for a camping weekend where they compete for the Outdoorsmen championship title. Players arrive on Friday for camp setup, socialization, and Opening Ceremony. At the Ceremony, players are paired off into teams and learn/refresh themselves on the rules of the games. Basically teams compete for points. The team with the most points at the end of the games is declared winner. Oh yeah, and beer drinking is involved. A lot of beer drinking. I mean a phenomenal amount of beer drinking. In fact, drinking beer is an integral part of each event.

Hungover from the night before, the players rally for the Saturday morning 730AM start time for the kickoff of the games. They compete through the day with breaks only for lunch and Bonus Beer rounds. Here are a few brief descriptions of some of the events:

4 Beer Chug: Teams must immediately pound 4 beers (two apiece). Points are awarded to the fastest teams.

Beer to River Run: Teams must drink a beer and then run across a river full of rapids. On the other side is a beer which they must drink. Once finished, they must run back across the river where their partner pounds his first beer and proceeds across the river to his second. Fastest teams are awarded points.

Blind Man's Beer: In this event, each member of a team is blindfolded, spun around, and let loose in a roped off circle where they must crawl their way around in search of 6 placed beers. When each team member has 3 beers apiece, they can then remove the blindfolds and proceed to pound the beers. The fastest teams are awarded points.

Other events include: Hatchet Toss, Log Carry, Log Toss, Tug of War, Rock Toss, Tire Toss, etc.

Bonus Beer rounds are held in between events and are opportunities for teams to gain extra points. A player from a team (who has elected to participate in the Bonus Beer round) must consume a full beer in under 8 seconds. In later rounds the time limit is 7 seconds.

The documentary is entertaining and also disgusting (you see a lot of guys puking up their beers). After 14 events the final Iron Man round is played (where the championship is decided between the leading teams). Teams must pound 6 beers (3 apiece) and points are awarded to the fastest team. After this round, the games conclude, points are tallied, and accolades, awards, and trophies are distributed. Indeed, fitting with the spirit of the Outdoorsmen games, a celebratory beer is drunk from the trophy cup.

I was horrified by what I saw, but I was also greatly entertained by it. Check Netflix for the DVD when it becomes available.

Oh Nokia! We Stand on Guard for Thee!
The Winter Olympics are here again. I wouldn't be surprised to see some corporate advertising during the medal ceremonies. A country could lease out its flag banner for use as ad space - instead of the Swiss flag rising you'd see Nestle's corporate logo in its place. Also, the national anthems could be replaced by product jingles or distinctive ring tones - like the chime for T-Mobile.

Saturday, February 04, 2006

The Oprah Winfrey Extended Warranty
Given recent revelations of author fraud, I wouldn't be surprised to see Barnes & Nobles, Borders, and other big book purveyors begin to offer "Truthfulness Guarantees" for purchase when buying a book. Akin to the extended warranties that places like Circuit City and Best Buy have for electronics, the "Truthfulness Guarantee" can be purchased in addition with each book. The Guarantee ensures the buyer that all statements recorded by the author as "fact" are indeed 100% vouchsafed as truthful. If the reader feels that at anytime during perusal that the author is full of shit, the book can be returned for a full refund.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Tit Notes
Mrs. Rants said she saw an episode of Dr. 90210 playing at the gym and the particular aired segment detailed two women going in for breast augmentation surgery (boob job for short). She said she was surprised to see the overhead TV showing this at the gym - these women were nude from the waist up and only the nipples were blurred out.

It reminds me of a trip to Daytona Beach that I took one year for Spring Break. We went to an obligatory wet t-shirt contest and the contestants had to wear "nipple tape" in order to remain on the right side of city ordinances. On average, the wet t-shirts remained on the bodies for no more than 20 seconds before being stripped off - so the "city ordinance tape" was quite necessary indeed.

It makes you wonder if industry has capitalized on this apparent market for such sundry items. I can easily see 3M selling spools of nipple tape to clubs and bars across America where city ordinances make ownership of such an item a necessity for barkeepers and club owners to remain in good graces. And given 3M's spellbinding knowledge of materials and adhesive sciences, I imagine their chemical engineers have developed glues that are strong enough to keep the city ordinance tape firmly in place, yet remain supple enough so as not to cling too firmly to stray body hairs - where they may be yanked out at the follicle when the tape is removed.

Yep, the wonders of materials science.